E with MC^2

As we were all bunkered down in libraries and trendy coffee shops getting our study on for finals, I'm sure enough of you snuck a peak or two at any gossip column and discovered that the tall lanky kid who was NOT funny with saggy pants from Wild n' Out (aka Nick Cannon) married Mariah Carey (aka the woman who has breast separated by different area codes and steals mini dresses from 8 year old strippers).

I don't know about the readers of TXOJ, but I was shocked. SHOCKED I tell you. Luckily Mariah was on Ellen today to explain the wedding and promote her new album E=MC^2.

(Note the symbolism: Mariah Carey is also Mariah Cannon (hints the MC^2) and Ellen starts with E...this was fate.)

Just a few things I would like to note in this clip:

- Most people would turn on their lezbo jets for Angelina Jolie--but not me. Ellen would make me jump the fence any day. She's hilarious, has killer dance moves, wears lingerie on the outside of her clothes, looks like a cute little German boy who is oddly taller than 4 feet, and parties with people like Tom Hanks (who I would then go straight for again for an entire new list of reasons).

-Nick plans to have a party to celebrate their marriage in one year. Way to dream big kiddo. However, you asshats got tattoos. Way to follow in the successful footsteps of Tommy and Pam, Britney and Kevin, and Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder. morons.

 -Mariah's tattoo is a fucking tramp stamp of a butterfly with "Mrs. Cannon" on the spine of the insect. That's EASILY blackout-able. Nick however got a huge ass "MARIAH" across his back. What is he going to do when this true love lands by the waste side? Pencil in "I boned...Mariah...and her boobs" or "Mariah...hoe made me sign a pre-nup" or will he simply just change her name to "Messiah" and begin healing lepers? 

I will write him on his MySpace and make sure he hears my suggestions (you know he checks it, he's not that famous).