SXSW

As all of you kids with parents who not only fund your education but also your alcoholic habits left for Las Vegas, Cancun, Cabo, Panama City, New Orleans, ect. I stayed in Austin—I know, don’t piss your self with all of the excitement. I asked my parents for a Spring Break trip and they became hysterical with laughter and told me to go swim in my bathtub. Punks, they know my bathtub has no drain plug. Swimming in it is IMPOSSIBLE.

However, back to the point… As I was stuck in Austin I was able to partake in a little music fest called South By Southwest…or for most Ray Ban Wayfarer wearing cool kids, SXSW. Although my personal title, which all of you are extremely welcome to use: The Black Skinny Jeans, Black Pointy Boots, White V-Neck and/or Flannel shirt, Fedora Hat INVASION! Ooooor The Pete Doherty Pathetic Wannabe’s Meet and Greet.

Seriously, I didn’t know that besides the VIP badges everyone was sporting you also had to wear this outfit (pictured below). I swear anyone at this music festival probably saw 327,439,274,902,348,902 chach bags sporting this look.




Breaking News Flash: if 327,439,274,902,348,902 people are wearing this exact outfit, or an insignificant variation of this outfit…you are not unique. You are not trendy. And you might as well wear the pastel polo and Chinos uniform you all like to bash. Ugh, go burn your fingers while smoking a crack pipe you fedora wearing losers.

Evan Blackwell's Observation of the Day

A white sorority girl is buying a Young Joc album on Itunes in class.

When did the Texas Student Media Board become Super Bad?

Page 5 today of The Daily Texan had an article concerning the Texas Student Media Board...I don't actually read The Daily Texan articles because they're boring, but I do like looking at the pictures. This hunk of sexual manliness was pictured as a member of TSM...Is that you Seth Rogan?

That's not my name!

After receiving an email from my grandmother addressed to someone by the name of none of her grandchildren asking if my sister, Jane, had married a guy named Bob, I could only think of my new obsession The Ting Tings and my own version of their song:

"My grandma...she forgets my name...She call me "hell"...She call me "Stacey"...She call me "twat"... She call me "Jane"...That's not my name, That's not my name...That's not my name!"

And Jane, is this her third Manhattan talking or do you have some explaining to do? If you did get married and eloped--I could not be more proud. You clearly did it the correct way this time and I hope you have the best 15 months of your life again. If not...we should seriously consider ganking some of her Xanax and selling it on the black market for some extra cash. It will be as easy as stealing prescription pills from a crazy--oh, wait...that's exactly what the situation is.

Love you grams.

Plano Minister proves he is a real Asshat

WFAA.com is reporting Plano Minister Joe Barron, 52, of Prestonwood Baptist Church was caught Thursday after chatting online for the past two weeks with someone he thought was a 13 year old girl.

Police said Barron arranged to meet with the girl Thursday afternoon in Bryan, Texas. He was met by undercover officers after driving to a prearranged location and arrested.

Barron is charged with online solicitation of sex with a minor, and could face up to 20 years in prison if convicted (Praise Jay-ses!)

Police seized a web cam, headset, and condoms from Barron's vehicle.

Barron is one of 20 pastors on Prestonwood's staff. He counsels married couples and heads mission trips. He was scheduled to lead a mission to Bogota, Colombia in August.

Scummy and SCUMMIER. This guy is a complete festival of EEEWWWW. He had condoms in a car--for a 13 year old?! Shivers. Oh, and the fact that he was going to lead a mission trip to Colombia in August--perfect. A place notorious for underage prostitution. I bet he was jumping up and down like a 5th grader in a jump roping contest to lead that trip.

And does he not watch TV? If you actually think that a 13 year old can talk THAT dirty to you and want to meet you in some random place--you deserve to have some guy from 60 Minutes and a bad comb over to be waiting for you with a full serving of undercover cops to bust your fucktard self.

I bet this Sunday Prestonwood Baptist will be praying for this asshat's sins, and not passing around the collection plate to try and save their asses from anyone who gets the bright idea that this church is screwed.

Hate the sinner, AND hate the sin.

P.S. It's been a while for me to be in a church, but back in my YoungLife days I used to go and listen to Matt Chandler speak...didn't he speak at Prestonwood Baptist? Yuck.

Quote of the day

"I think playing golf during a war just sends the wrong signal...I remember when de Mello, who was at the UN, got killed in Baghdad as a result of these murderers taking this good man's life. And I was playing golf -- I think I was in central Texas -- and they pulled me off the golf course and I said, it's just not worth it anymore to do."

- George W. Bush on why he gave up the sport of golf.

Dear Mr. President,

You still serving as president of the United States--"sends the wrong signal." Your reasoning for why we are STILL in Iraq after 6 years--"is just not worth it anymore to do." And face it, you gave up golf because the concept of making a ball go into a hole was too hard for you to comprehend.

Sincerely,

TXOJ

E with MC^2

As we were all bunkered down in libraries and trendy coffee shops getting our study on for finals, I'm sure enough of you snuck a peak or two at any gossip column and discovered that the tall lanky kid who was NOT funny with saggy pants from Wild n' Out (aka Nick Cannon) married Mariah Carey (aka the woman who has breast separated by different area codes and steals mini dresses from 8 year old strippers).

I don't know about the readers of TXOJ, but I was shocked. SHOCKED I tell you. Luckily Mariah was on Ellen today to explain the wedding and promote her new album E=MC^2.

(Note the symbolism: Mariah Carey is also Mariah Cannon (hints the MC^2) and Ellen starts with E...this was fate.)

Just a few things I would like to note in this clip:

- Most people would turn on their lezbo jets for Angelina Jolie--but not me. Ellen would make me jump the fence any day. She's hilarious, has killer dance moves, wears lingerie on the outside of her clothes, looks like a cute little German boy who is oddly taller than 4 feet, and parties with people like Tom Hanks (who I would then go straight for again for an entire new list of reasons).

-Nick plans to have a party to celebrate their marriage in one year. Way to dream big kiddo. However, you asshats got tattoos. Way to follow in the successful footsteps of Tommy and Pam, Britney and Kevin, and Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder. morons.

 -Mariah's tattoo is a fucking tramp stamp of a butterfly with "Mrs. Cannon" on the spine of the insect. That's EASILY blackout-able. Nick however got a huge ass "MARIAH" across his back. What is he going to do when this true love lands by the waste side? Pencil in "I boned...Mariah...and her boobs" or "Mariah...hoe made me sign a pre-nup" or will he simply just change her name to "Messiah" and begin healing lepers? 

I will write him on his MySpace and make sure he hears my suggestions (you know he checks it, he's not that famous).